I have a 2 year old son. He will be 3 in a couple of weeks. One of the greatest joys of my life is being his father. He has such a vibrant enthusiasm for life. His love is unconditional. We read books together, play ball, wrestle, he helps me in the garden and he has a little toy lawn mower that he uses after I’ve mowed the lawn to make sure that I got everything. We go on hikes together and he loves to stop and look at all of the small things along the way such as a caterpillar crawling, or various shapes of rocks. We go on “father son” dates and usually watch the big trucks or throw rocks into a lake or pond on those dates. Occasionally, we’ll go out for ice cream. He loves me to chase him and grab him and throw him in the air. My physical therapist gets plenty of business because I think I’m 20 years old frequently when throwing him around! When I tuck him in at night and I help him with saying his prayers, he’ll ask me to tell him a “farm story” and I’ll share a story with him about when I grew up on the farm. I’ll then say “Whacha got for dad?” and he’ll give me a huge hug and say “I wanna keep you”.
In 2 short years, he has become a huge part of my life and I can’t imagine life without him.
I’m sure those of you reading this who have kids can fully relate to the way I feel about my son.
With these thoughts in mind, imagine what I thought when I received and email from one of my pastor friends from another Christian congregation.
A member of his congregation was rushing out the door to get their kid to a soccer game and didn’t notice that their 2 year old son was behind the car and backed over the son, killing him.
He goes on in his email to describe how horrible the father feels and how guilty he feels. I’m sure he feels depressed, discouraged, and a number of feelings that I don’t even want to imagine. Psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, even physically this man must be feeling such a heavy burden.
I’ve never lost a child and pray that it doesn’t happen while I’m on this earth. Our kids are “supposed” to live longer than us, right?
My first thoughts on how to help this man would be to:
1. Encourage him to apply the atonement in his life
2. Seek counsel from both professionals and others who have gone through similar situations
Apply the Atonement
Probably the most famous Christian scripture is John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Imagine how our Heavenly Father must have felt watching His son suffer on the cross for our sins and afflictions. Jesus suffered for us because of his love for us and Heavenly Father allowed it to happen as well because of infinite love. Through His (Jesus’) suffering, we can cast our burdens on Him.
A Book of Mormon scripture in Alma 7:11 sheds some light on what this means:
“And he (Jesus) shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.”
Not only did Jesus take on our sins, but He took on our pains.
This man is going through a lot of pain. I pray that this mans burdens will be lifted through the mercy and grace of the atonement and that his pain can be swallowed up in faith and hope for a future that he can see his son again (which is also made possible through the atonement).
Seek Counsel
I imagine psychologically he is suffering and I would recommend going to a faith-based counselor. From my experience in pain and suffering, it helps to just talk and get it all out there both in prayer, but also to others who are professionally trained.
Additionally, when I’ve suffered great pain, it has helped me to speak with people in similar situations. I would encourage him to seek out people or groups who have had this happen and have learned how to cope with it.
There have been two very good LDS conference talks by a member of the quorum of the twelve Apostles as well as a member of the quorum of the seventy. I’ll share those messages below, and ask my pastor friend to share the talks with his friend, if they seem appropriate. The both describe of personal stories where they lost a young child.
You can read about Richard G Scott’s experience here.
Shane Bowen gave a moving talk a couple years back about his son who had died and the pain he felt and his process in healing and applying the atonement. The talk is entitled Because I live ye shall also.
Conclusion
I don’t know that this man wants to have his name shared, so I won’t share his name publicly, but I do ask that everyone who reads this pray for this man.
Also, what other words of advice would you have if you have helped someone through a similar situation, or even experienced this before?
14 comments
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August 8, 2014 at 11:28 am
Doug
Thank you for your loving words and counsel. When we are called to deal with the unimaginable and the answer to “why Lord?” is not forthcoming I take comfort in what Corrie Ten Boom once said: “Some knowledge is too heavy…you cannot bear it…your Father will carry it until you are able.” God bless.
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August 9, 2014 at 6:27 pm
Cal
Yes, Doug. Corrie’s dad said that to her, as I recall. Wise words.
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August 9, 2014 at 6:40 pm
Cal
As for the man who accidentally killed his son, what a horrible tragedy.
My wife and I like to read books by people who have gone to heaven—either in a vision or because they died and came back to life. Approximately 7 of them have testified that children under the age of accountability go straight to heaven. I wonder if this is what Jesus referred to when he said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:14).
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August 18, 2014 at 5:43 am
graceforgrace
Cal,
You are the first non-Mormon Christian that I’ve heard talk about an age of accountability. We (in the LDS church) talk about it often and in Doctrine and Covenants, when Joseph Smith inquired about the age of accountability, it is revealed that age is 8 years old. We also believe that all children under the age of accountability go straight to Heaven. Here are the scriptures that discuss the age of accountability.
Below is a quote from a good talk (Doug, read through the talk and see if there is information that could be helpful for your friend) that describes the LDS view of children and salvation. The talk was given in 1994 by Merlin Lybbert entitled “The Special Status of Children”
Here’s the quote:
Because all children who die before the age of accountability are pure, innocent, and wholly sin-free, they are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven (see D&C 137:10; Mosiah 3:18). Understanding the special status of little children before God, because of their pure and innocent nature, brings understanding of the Lord’s commandment to “repent, and become as a little child, and be baptized in [His] name” (3 Ne. 11:37). The childlike qualities the Lord had reference to are developed by yielding to “the enticings of the Holy Spirit,” so as to become “submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” Truly, such a person “becometh a saint” as spoken by Mosiah (Mosiah 3:19).
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August 25, 2014 at 7:11 am
Cal
Hi graceforgrace,
It’s nice to find a virtual agreement, if not total agreement, between Joseph Smith and the non-Mormon Christian world.
Come to think of it, in that recent movie starring the little Burpo kid—a movie based on a true story—the kid saw his older sister in heaven even though he didn’t know he had an older sister! The mother had miscarried. What a shocking and emotional moment it was for the mom when her kid told her he had seen his older sister in heaven. . . . God has a perfect plan.
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August 10, 2014 at 4:00 pm
James
I have no advice. I just grieve with this man. I pray the Lord will meet each of us in our trials and show us a way through to hope. Peace to you, brother.
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August 11, 2014 at 9:00 am
Doug
The husband was in church for the first time in months yesterday-thank you for your prayers.
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August 18, 2014 at 5:32 am
graceforgrace
Doug-
Awesome to hear he came to church. Did he express feeling lifted up at all? How’s the rest of his family?
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August 14, 2014 at 4:30 pm
Matt Lemmon
What a nightmare in such an accident. Forgiveness would be difficult but rewarding in the end. I love how you were there for your friend.
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August 18, 2014 at 5:45 pm
Doug
They are meeting with another couple who experienced a similar tragedy 10 years ago and came through that nightmare with their faith and marriage intact (many marriages fall apart after the death of a child). I am asking all my graceforgrace friends to please pray on 8/28 for this meeting. I do have to say that shortly after I shared this incident with you I started seeing breakthroughs (small ones but still breakthroughs) so thank you for praying and being so loving towards this family that you do not know but your hearts are touched and burdened for.
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August 25, 2014 at 7:19 am
Cal
8/28. Yes, sir.
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August 27, 2014 at 8:14 pm
graceforgrace
Hi Doug,
I’m on it! Praying for them all day tomorrow.
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August 24, 2014 at 8:12 am
theoldadam
What a terrible tragedy.
I will pray for that man.
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August 30, 2014 at 8:01 am
Doug
Thanks for your prayers. The meeting was filled with the presence of the Lord. These two couples stories parallel each other so the one Dad really related to the other. God bless you all for holding this family up in your thoughts and prayers.
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