I recently was on a business trip where all of the reps from around the country came together and had a sales training for a few days. As usual, there was alcohol and going out after dinner each night.
Everyone knows I don’t drink and they don’t expect me to go hitting the clubs, which is great! I do spend time with them sometimes in the restaurants/bars with them as they drink. However, when it starts getting a little later, I usually decide to leave the restaurant. What I do instead is head back to the hotel and call my little daughter and tell her stories over the phone and chat with my wife for a few minutes before heading to bed.
I was surprised though with some married people who went out to the bar/dance club scantily clad and then came back the next day bragging on the people who were hitting on them. The crazy thing was that most of them have spouses and children at home.
I have absolutely no desire to do those types of things and most of the people I hang out with in the Mormon church wouldn’t do stuff like that (I hope). It got me wondering though if this is something that is normally done for people outside of the Mormon church, or even within the Church.
What are your views? Is it o.k. to hit the clubs if you’re married (without your spouse)? Feel free to vote and/or leave a comment.
Grace for Grace 
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July 20, 2012 at 3:53 pm
Cherie
This is an interesting question, and one I struggled with after leaving the church. Your comment “It got me wondering though if this is something that is normally done for people outside of the Mormon church…” is a question I had all the time. It took several years, and several different groups of colleagues, friends & acquaintances before I realized that there is NOTHING that is normally done outside of the Mormon church.
What there is, are different groups of people who find what works for them (and their relationships) and surround themselves with others who are similar. Yes, there are groups of people who will regularly go clubbing without their spouses. There are groups that would never consider going dancing with or without their spouses. There are some who will get trashed & some who never or rarely drink. Anyone who says, “Everybody does it” or “It’s completely normal” are either exaggerating or somehow manage to forget about all the other people they know that don’t.
From what I’ve seen in the 10 years since I opted out of the Church, the biggest difference is that most people aren’t as socially secluded as LDS members so they aren’t as shocked or horrified when a married person chooses to go dancing with friends.
Ultimately, each person makes the choices that are right for them. Then, within their relationships, they make the choices that are best for the relationship. Going to a club with friends is not a ‘slippery slope’ to sin and infidelity. Going to a club with friends while lying about it to your spouse or without clear cut boundaries or an understanding of what is considered acceptable in your relationship is probably trouble.
But, ultimately, if their husband is okay with them going and having a fun night out of dancing, relaxing, and a little flirting (which many are because their wives come home more confident and excited to see them) – you & I aren’t in any position to decide it’s unacceptable. It may not work in my relationship, it may not work in your, but it may work great in theirs.
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July 21, 2012 at 1:22 pm
graceforgrace
Hey Cherie,
You bring up some interesting points.
I personally can’t imagine being fine with my wife going dancing and flirting with another dude. I hope that my actions as a husband and a father and love that I show her help her feel confident in our relationship and not to have to artificially go and find it.
I agree with you that it is up to the couple to decide what they feel comfortable with. Especially if they hit the clubs together. I wouldn’t personally go to a club even with my wife just because of all the other stuff surrounding the scene, but if a couple has agreed that they are cool with that, then it’s all good for them.
Also, you bring up some good insight on life outside the Mormon culture. In the church we tend to think of people “outside” or “inside” the church (as I indicated in my post), but in truth people vary in what they prefer to do whether they are inside or outside a cultural or religious group.
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July 20, 2012 at 6:39 pm
Cal
Prophets have been saying that America is slipping and God’s judgment is coming. Pray, my friends!
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July 20, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Denise Wells
Why put yourself in a position that you might be tempted? I would never do that to my husband and I would be devastated if I found out that he had gone to a place like that without me. I think there is great wisdom in avoiding the appearance of evil because if you don’t look like you are doing something wrong, you probably aren’t!
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July 21, 2012 at 1:24 pm
graceforgrace
Hi Denise,
I agree with you. If I’m at a club with or without my wife, chances are there will be ladies all around with skimpy clothes. Why would I put myself in that situation if I’m doing all I can to focus all my love towards my wife?
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July 20, 2012 at 6:56 pm
ezra
Ama, your poll is misleading. You make it sound like spending time with co – workers is evil and that hunkering up in the room is godly. The man who is with his friends doesn’t have to be drinking or dancing. In fact, his being in the bar nursing a milkshake might be keeping him from roaming the internet or TV where greater temptations may lie. His being with friends might turn them from unwholesome activity or talk. Granted, I would rather turn in than stay out late, and I clicked in on number one before I realized my error
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July 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm
graceforgrace
Hi Ezra,
I don’t mean to make it sound I stayed in the room all night….I went to the bar/restaurant with them and didn’t drink. I played games (pool, shuffleboard, etc.) and all that while they drank. I’m totally cool with people drinking. Just because I don’t drink I don’t expect them not to.
Where I find it interesting is when the married people hit the clubs flirting with other people….that’s where it definitely headed in the wrong direction, in my opinion. Kicking it with friends in the bar is fine.
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July 21, 2012 at 6:14 am
Cal
I thought Ezra made a valid point when he said that nursing a milkshake in the bar might keep someone from roaming the internet or TV where greater temptations may lie.
I didn’t get the impression at all, however, that GraceforGrace thinks spending time with co-workers, in itself, is always evil. I agree with Grace that going out to the bar/dance club scantily clad—even if you’re not married—and then coming back the next day bragging on the people who were hitting on you—that does not sound like godliness.
I bet your wife is proud of you, GraceforGrace.
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July 21, 2012 at 7:02 am
Doug
I think you were a great role model for your co-workers. Over the years the few times I caved in and went along with the crowd-I knew it was a mistake. The time spent contacting your family was time well spent! God bless!
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July 21, 2012 at 12:59 pm
graceforgrace
Hey Doug,
Thanks. I have a great wife and kids so it makes it easy. As I think about where married people could be tempted to do that is if they’re having marital problems or something like that. That’s when the old devil steps in.
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July 22, 2012 at 4:40 am
wonderdog
I was on a business trip with 4 other coworkers. They announcecd that they were going to a strip club and that I had to go along. We only had one car so they thought that I was trapped. I announced that I could walk back to the hotel from anywhere in Houston. They dropped me at the hotel.
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July 23, 2012 at 10:50 am
graceforgrace
Good job Wonderdog!
It can be hard to stick to your guns, but great job doing that. I think it’s sort of crazy how people try to force you into things like that.
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