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Dr James Dobson from Focus on the Family interviewed Dr Kevin Lehman, who is a psychologist and very popular Christian author of books about raising children.
I recently re-listened to an interview Dr Dobson had with Dr Lehman and thought I would share some highlights from the interview.
11 Ways a Father can Make a Difference in a Child’s Life
- Give each child a responsibility in the home.
Dr Lehman had a great quote: “Everybody in our family gives back to the family. This isn’t a hotel. It is a home. Big difference.”
- Raise each child as an individual
During the interview, the popular scripture, Proverbs 22:6, was shared, which reads:
They made the excellent point, which I had never considered regarding this scripture. The scripture doesn’t say “train up the child in the way we think they should go”, but in the “way he should go”. Each child is their own individual and will need to be treated as such.
I would add that the only way we can really know the way each individual child should go is to constantly be praying to God for guidance because the Good Lord knows I’m clueless on my own and will mess it up every time I try and do things without His direction (and my wife’s gentle guidance too).
- Be willing to accept and own your mistakes
This point was a good one because I feel pulled in so many directions sometimes. I work as hard as possible to provide for my family. I try and make time for each individual kid and my wife. I volunteer at our church and am gone in the evenings sometimes each week. I’m tired at the end of the day. My patience isn’t where it should be always…I could go on, but you get the idea. I’m human. It is important for us to allow ourselves to be human and when (not if) we make mistakes, don’t be too hard on ourselves and remember that we should own up to the mistakes, apologize to our kids when we make them, and then try better next time.
- Allow your kids to make mistakes
If we are going to cut ourselves some slack, we need to do the same for our kids.
- Be there
- Understand your kids
I’m amazed at how perceptive my wife is with each individual child and the calm and selfless way she approaches each individual child. I pray that I can do the same. Something that has helped me accomplish this is by setting aside a day each week for me to take each of our kids out on a “daddy date”. While we are out with each other, I learn things about each child as we get to spend some time together one on one.
- Love and honor your wife
I think the video below is a great illustration of how we can go about loving and honoring our wives.
- Believe in your kids
If you show faith in them, it will help them have faith in themselves.
If you doubt them, they will reflect that as well.
- Slip “commercial announcements” to your kids
This suggestion means the world to kids. They shared an example of a lady who’s father had told her she got lucky that she went to an easy high school when she came home with straight A’s once on a report card. That one comment scarred her deeply.
However, if we spin this “commercial announcement” into a positive, it can have the opposite effect. An example of this is by saying sincere announcements such as “I noticed that you’ve been kind to your siblings lately. You’ve done such a good job with that and I’m proud of you…” it can be anything quick and positive and it will go a long way. Over time, a lot of those comments will add up.
- Be consistent
Dr Lehman was crying in the interview when he said his greatest regret was being away for work during his daughter’s graduation, when he said he’d be there. Additionally, he mentioned how he sees the negative effect it has on kids when their Dad’s say they’ll be to places, or do things for them and then allow other things to get in the way. Always keep your word and do it consistently. I would also add that having certain routines are important for kids too. I notice that if I’m out, and don’t make it back in time to tuck the kids in, it has an impact on them and they are unsettled. However, when I make an effort to be there regularly, they feel calmer.
- Have fun!!!
In college I had a professor who said “the family that plays together, stays together.” I believe this is true. I think that having daily, weekly, monthly and longer term fun activities to work towards together as a family is important. It is also important to involve each child in the decision process toward fun activities. Ideas include: weekly movie nights, game nights, yearly big trips that everyone saves and works towards, etc.
I’m sure that many of you have some additional thoughts and ideas. Which of these points stand out to you and what ideas/thoughts would you add?
I didn’t get a chance to reflect on the events and aftermath of 9/11 until late tonight. As I reflected on my own feelings and watched videos of survivors of the tragedy, I came across a great video I thought people would enjoy about part of a Bible that was found months after the tragedy.
Take a look at this video and pay attention to the verses that were preserved from the flames.
In a couple of weeks, I will be taking my Grandpa to Washington D.C. for a special event they are having at the World War II Memorial for surviving WWII veterans. This will be one of the great honors of my life.
My grandfather went to war thinking he was going to be on the front-lines of battle. However, on the way to his assignment, the atomic bombs were dropped and the war was soon over.
Although he was mostly involved in cleaning up and the aftermath of war, it still affected him and he saw things that he had never even thought of. As an 18 year old boy, it was very disturbing for him. While he was on the island of Saipan, he became severely ill and lost so much weight that they honorably released him and sent him back to the United States to recover.
I spoke with him the other day and he told me that life after the war was extremely hard. He would have nightmares, stress, and didn’t want to speak with anyone. He went to some counseling, but he said the real therapy was when his dad gave him some land to work and he could lose himself riding horses on the range, praying, and unloading his burdens on God.
This morning, I watched a short film on some brothers who had served in the Iraq and Afgahnastan wars, who had struggled with severe PSTD as well as drug addiction to try and numb the pain. I loved their testimony of Jesus and how they describe the healing that came over them as they turned everything over to Him.
Here’s the video:
This reminds me of a scripture from the Book of Mormon as the prophet, Alma, describes becoming born again through giving his sins over to Jesus (see Alma: 17-20):
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, havemercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
Although I have never fought in war, I have had my own personal battles, as we all do, and I have also experienced this healing that comes through the Atonement of Christ. I won’t pretend to understand what it is like to suffer and struggle with PTSD or any other of the affects of war that our soldiers go through, but I do know that Jesus understands and pray that we can share the Good News with not only our brothers and sisters who may not understand the peace, strength, mercy, and healing that comes by casting our burdens on Him and allowing Him into our hearts.
A number of years ago when I was called by a Stake President (for a definition of click here) to be an Elders Quorum President (click here for definition), he gave me some very wise council that I was reminded of yesterday during one of our regional leadership meetings in Stake Conference. He advised me to lay aside administration and delegate that to one of my counselors and to focus on ministration instead.
When he saw that I wasn’t exactly clear on what he meant by that, he broke it down for me as follows:
Administering is: focusing on programs, processes, managing, and meetings vs. focusing on people. Sure meetings need to happen and processes need to be in place, but as a leader, I need to be a minister for the Lord.
Ministering is: having personal conversations with the men in my group at least on a weekly basis, praying sincerely with them, sharing scripture with them, holding them accountable to progressing spiritually and developing a relationship with God.
The whole time I served in this role, I had the paper up in my room posted with his advice and I tried my hardest to be a good minister.
Many sacred experiences happened as the Lord blessed me in the ministry. I remember kneeling with a young man who had committed a serious grievance and faced excommunication from the church. His soul was hurting and I felt God’s grace come over me as a love and compassion that is only from His grace entered into my heart. Words came to me in prayer and tears filled my eyes as I knelt with this young man and poured my heart out to God for him. Afterwards, I invited him to pray and he prayed as well. This experience along with many others showed me how much God loves the sinner (all of us) and when we reach out to Him, he is right there ready to lift us up and forgive us.
Last night, Elder James Hamula, of the Quorum of the Seventy, gave a powerful and spiritual sermon on the importance of ministering vs. administering. He shared the scripture in Alma 22:23 on how the King ministered to his whole household and that we need to minister with this same love and compassion to those who we have jurisdiction over. Elder Hamula asked us what he thought would happen if we focused too much on administering in our congregations and families and a gentleman in the crowd shared a good example that Elder Uchtdorf spoke about a while back where on the surface people looked like they were doing well because they were coming to church and putting on good faces, but over time there were a lot of divorces and strife between members because peoples’ hearts weren’t into it.
When I think of my role as a father, and a leader in my local congregation, I wonder how much ministering vs. administering I do. Administering in the family is important and as a father, I think that probably comes easier than ministering. I work hard and provide for them, make sure things are squared away logistically for the family, teach them right from wrong, etc. However, I need to to better about speaking with each individual member of my family, including my wife, and putting my arms around them, sharing my testimony of the Gospel, praying with them with deep, sincere prayers, etc. Similarly, as a leader, it is easy to hold meetings and track progress and delegate things out to people. Even when I’m making visits to members of the congregation, I can be merely an administer by “checking” the box that I visited them, but not praying and preparing beforehand and then with them as well.
I’m curious to hear others’ thoughts on ministering vs. administering. Where have you seen effective ministry as a leader in your congregation, or in your family? What advice do you have for all of us on how to be effective ministers?
Over the past 3 years I’ve been working together with the full-time missionaries in my area, there have been many miracles. Most of them are small ones that don’t seem like the big ones everyone talks about such as someone getting healed from sickness or addiction, etc. However, in all of the miracles I’ve seen, the result is a changed heart (including mine) and a person or people accepting Jesus into their heart and acting on it.
Such was the case with a lady, I’ll name Jess, I just met a few months ago. I had known her daughter, I’ll name Kris, who was baptized into our congregation almost 3 years earlier, over the course of a few years and had been her home teacher. For those who aren’t familiar with what a home teacher is, the lds.org website has a great in depth definition.
Over the course of a few years, I had built trust with her daughter, Kris, by being her home teacher. Her daughter rarely came out to church, but I would visit her with my home teaching companion and we would share gospel messages with her as well as administer healing blessings to her children, visit her in the hospital when she was sick, etc. When she was living at home, her mother (Jess) and father wouldn’t allow us to come in to visit so we usually communicated outside of her parents’ home, while she was there. Over time, she developed trust and respect for me and would call on me (usually via text) in times of trouble.
One such occasion was when Kris’s grandmother died while the family was on a cruise. It was a terrible tragedy and it happened only a couple days after being out to sea. The family felt hurt, anger at the medical staff for messing certain things up, By the time they came home, everyone, including Jess was terribly angry, bitter, hurt, and all of those feelings that are natural when tragedies happen.
Kris had moved back in with Jess and her father, so I connected with the sister missionaries in our area to visit them and attempt to share a gospel message of healing.
When we arrived, Kris had left, but Jess answered the door. She appeared very skeptical when she saw who it was and only opened the door a crack. The sisters were new in the area and I was the only one who had any form of relationship with Jess via being Kris’s home teacher, so I thought I would be very transparent about my feelings and said a quick prayer, hoping for a miracle.
I told Jess that I was from the church and that I had visited her daughter with the elders of our church many times over the years and was aware of the hurt the family was going through at this time. I told her that I personally couldn’t understand how painful things must be for her and the hurt she must be feeling.
At this point, the door opened just a crack.
I went on, feeling the Holy Spirit come over me, putting words into my mouth that told her about how God can’t take away the bad situation that happened, but that he could help lessen the pain through his atonement. I testified about how bad things happen to everyone, but that Jesus died for us so suffering doesn’t have to be forever and that it can be a temporary thing.
At this point, she had fully opened up the door and stepped outside onto the porch.
I then asked her if she would join us in prayer.
She accepted and I prayed.
Once again, the Holy Spirit came over me and I shared a prayer with words that she needed at that exact moment.
We closed the prayer and set up a time for the sisters to visit her again. From that point on, she had a complete change of heart. She warmly let us visit her and the family. The sister missionaries visited her regularly. Her countenance changed and positive started flowing into her life. Although the loss of her mother was still painful for her, she allowed the love of the Lord to come into her heart as she accepted Jesus and the gospel.
Yesterday, she was baptized.
The miracle of a changed heart is such a blessing to be able to witness. God is awesome and I feel it such an honor that He allowed me to be there to have the Holy Spirit witness to her. I think it is awesome that she chose to allow the Spirit into her heart and accept those words as well. I hope and pray that I can be led to those who need the gospel and that all of us can make decisions to keep the love of God in our lives and hearts.
In closing, I’ll share a scripture from the Book of Mormon in 2 Nephi 9:21-13, that sums up this experience
This is a follow up to the FREETOWN article I wrote a couple weeks ago. It opens today so don’t forget to get out and watch the movie if you’re close to a theater.
Below is the interview with Adam Abel, the director for FREETOWN:
FREETOWN releases nationwide on Wed., April 8
It has a limited release so see it on that day/weekend!
To find a theater near you, visit http://www.FreetowntheMovie.com
This morning I read about two miracles that were seemingly instantaneous. The first is in the scriptures in the Book of Mormon in Alma 15. Zeezrom is physically healed immediately after he accepts Jesus. Here is an excerpt:
6. And it came to pass that Alma said unto him, taking him by the hand: Believest thou in the power of Christ unto salvation?
7 And he answered and said: Yea, I believe all the words that thou hast taught.
8 And Alma said: If thou believest in the redemption of Christ thou canst be healed.
9 And he said: Yea, I believe according to thy words.
10 And then Alma cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord our God, have mercy on this man, and heal him according to his faith which is in Christ.
11 And when Alma had said these words, Zeezrom leaped upon his feet, and began to walk…
I also read a modern story of a man named Roman Gutierrez, who is now a pastor who spent his teenage years as a drug addict, gang member, and in prison. He was declared dead twice and still lived. When he was 25, he attended a church service and accepted Jesus. He was healed instantly and didn’t have a desire to do drugs anymore. Now he spends his life serving others in a ministry that helps youth realize they can have a better life. Here is an interview with Roman:
Some Miracles (especially recovering from addictions) Take Time
When you read about miraculous stories in the scriptures, or learn about Roman’s story, someone who is struggling with addictions could either gain hope of delieverance, or I can see how it could be demotivating for someone who has turned their life over to God, but still struggles. It is for all the rest of us who don’t have instant miracles that I write this.
Many of you have read my book, Discovering Light: 12 Steps to Overcoming Anxiety and Depression without Medication. While my main focus in the book is how I overcame anxiety and depression, I also spend some time discussing some addictions that I had and needed to overcome as well.
I struggled with addictions for a number of years and was proud, not willing to admit I had a problem. For years, I damaged relationships and used people to feed my addiction. When I came to realize I had a problem, I tried to fix it myself for a few years, but I would continue to fall.
One day I felt prompted by God to visit a friend and when I visited her, we talked. I discussed frustrations with myself in succombing to the addictions yet again and she told me she thought I needed to go through a 12-step program. I was ready to listen and I started the program. For me, healing didn’t take place immediately, even after I turned my will over to God. However, I received strength one step at a time and through a series of “little” miracles and graces from God, I was able to be healed within 2 years from meeting with my friend.
Now I serve as a volunteer for our church’s 12 step addictions recovery program as a facilitator. It is awesome to see people at various stages of their recovery. Some of them have been struggling for years and are making their first effort to fight the addictions they face. Others such as myself have experienced recovery and are working to help others in their journey and our continued journey of sobriety. In all phases, we feel the healing power of Jesus in our lives and know that He is there every step of the way and it is humbling to witness and experience.
If there are any of you reading this who are struggling, I encourage you to keep taking steps of faith towards recovery. Heavenly Father and Jesus are there for you no matter how many times you fall. Just like Art Berg said in his book. Some miracles take time.
I’m a Seahawks fan. I have been since I was 9 years old and I would try to emulate Steve Largent on the playground. My mom probably didn’t like me coming home with my pants all muddied up from catching long passes and diving into the mud on the playground.
When I played football in Jr High and High School, I picked the same jersey number as Steve Largent (80). I had dreams of being a great wide receiver and I was pretty decent until I didn’t have a growth spurt and all the guys in high school out grew me. I guess I could have kept trying, but I chose to hang up my dreams and jersey mid way through high school. Now my football dreams come alive through playing annually in turkey bowls and through the Seattle Seahawks the past few years.
Last night, I was in charge of a dinner at our church. We told everyone to dress casually and it was kind of funny how many people wore their Seahawks t-shirts and jerseys (myself included). The event was a fellowship dinner with a testimony meeting afterwards, but to an outsider looking in, it looked like a Seahawks rally!
One of the guys who is in our congregation who recently moved from San Francisco mentioned how much pride the “12th man” has around town. The ‘Niners are a big rival for us, so he gets some friendly fire from us every so often. As I spoke with him I thought about my time in Utah where there are a lot of Mormons and every so often you encounter a non-Mormon. This post is meant to be a bit light-hearted, but here is a “top ten list” of similarities between a non-Mormon in Utah and a non-Seahawks fan in Seattle:
10 Similarities between Seahawks Fans in Seattle and Mormons in Utah
10. The conversation goes awkward if a Seahawks fan meets a non-fan just like it does if a Mormon in Utah meets a non-Mormon as the Seahawks fan or Mormon can’t comprehend such a thing as there being someone who isn’t a “believer”
9. A siting of President Monson is like a Russell Wilson siting in Seattle as the phone cameras fly out and crowds rush to see them.
8. The local news reports what a Seahawks player had for lunch while a Utah station reports where a General Authority was shopping.
7. Seahawks games bring a huge crowd that converges into downtown Seattle whereas a General Conference does the same in Salt Lake City, Utah. Non-Mormons and non-Seahawks fans rush to get their shopping done before the crowd comes back out.
6. Seahawks fans try to convert non-Seahawks fans and help them “see the light”. So do Mormons in Utah (and everywhere for that matter!)
5. Streets in Seattle are named after Seahawks players. Streets and cities in Utah are named after Mormon pioneers.
4. All TV stations show Seahawks games locally during football season. General conference is on all channels in Utah during that season.
3. The crowd noise in Seattle shakes the city and causes tremors. So does the Mormon Tabernacle Choir when they sing.
2. Non-Mormons picket outside of temple square. Niners fans do the same outside of Seattle games
1. People skip church to watch Seahawks games. In Utah when there is a General Conference, people use that as a “vacation” from church as well.
I’m reading a great book about one of the first converts and apostles to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Parley P Pratt.
For those interested in a pretty good glimpse into the early church and the challenges and miracles that took place, this is a very good read.
One of the miracles that he describes is when the Latter-day Saints had been driven out of their homes in Missouri and into Illinois. They were destitute and left in the cold along the Mississippi River on a swampy land with no shelter. People were getting very sick.
Here is an excerpt of one of the miracles that took place during that time:
Here many were lying sick and at the point of death. Among these was my old friend and fellow servant, Elijah Fordham. He was now in the last stage of a deadly fever. He lay prostrate and nearly speechless, wit his feet poultice; his eyes were sunk in their sockets; his flesh was gone; the paleness of death was upon him; and he was hardly to be distinguished from a corpse. His wife was preparing his clothes for his burial.
Brother Joseph (the Mormon prophet, Joseph Smith) took him by the hand, and in a voice and energy which would have raised the dead, he cried: “BROTHER FORDHAM, IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST, ARISE AND WALK”! It was a voice which could be heard from house to house…like the roaring of a lion or heavy thunderbolt. Brother Fordham leaped from his dying bed in an instant, shook the poultices and bandages from his feet, put on his clothes so quick that none got a chance to assist him and…he walked with us from house to house visiting other sick beds…Several more were called up in a similar manner and were healed.” (pg. 355)
This story is a fairly popular story that is told and repeated about Joseph Smith. The part that I was not familiar with that Parley Pratt writes about is this:
Brother Jospeh, while in the Spirit, rebuked the elders who would continue to lay hands on the sick from day to day without the pwer to heal them. Said he: “It is time that such things ended. Let the Elders either obtain the power of God to heal the sick or let them cease to minister the forms without the power”
Joseph Smith’s quote caused me to reflect on the power of healing within the Church of Jesus Christ today.
For those of you not familiar with how Elders are instructed to heal within the Church, I’ll share some information on the procedure, purpose and process.
In the Bible, there is a scripture that discusses how people who are sick should call on the elders and they will lay hands and anoint the people so they can be healed.
Today, we are instructed to do the same thing. We have olive oil that has been consecrated for healing the sick. We then put a little oil on the head of the person being blessed and then as the Holy Spirit shares thoughts and impressions in our minds, we pray and bless the people who are sick.
I have witnessed miracles on occasion through blessings such as these. For example, my little sister had a bad accident when she was 3 and my father gave her a blessing of healing and she started breathing again and was healed.
However, I hear quite frequently about how today we’ve been blessed with modern medicine and technology and that we don’t need to rely on God as much for healings. Some people say that God caused the medicine and technology to take place so we shouldn’t bother God with a miracle unless we have to.
This makes me wonder if we are like the elders Joseph Smith talks about and rebukes and if we lack faith and rely too heavily on man instead of God. As the Book of Mormon states, when faith is lacking, God can not do miracles. Perhaps we don’t see as many miracles such as the one described because we lack faith.
What are your thoughts?
Those of you who have followed this blog for a while know that I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression and have written articles and books about the subject. In my free time, I try and help people who are struggling with similar issues and provide them guidance and hope.
With this in mind, I was very interested in a recent article that shares the science behind happiness. Within the article, he shares thoughts from Kate Bratskeir, a researcher on happiness, that I thought would be good to highlight for any of us. Some of these are similar to what I outline in both my book, Discovering Light: 12 Steps to Overcoming Anxiety and Depression without Medication and a similar article I wrote a few years ago. Below are 10 of Kate’s findings on how to become a happier person:
Ten things that supremely happy people do
1. Happy people surround themselves with other happy people. Joy is contagious. People are four times more likely to be happy in the future with happy people around them.
2. Happy people try to be happy. When happy people don’t feel happy, they cultivate a happy thought and smile about it.
3. Happy people spend money more on others than they spend on themselves. Givers experience what scientists call the “helper’s high.”
4. Happy people have deep in-person conversations. Sitting down to talk about what makes a person tick is a good practice for feeling good about life.
5. Happy people use laughter as a medicine. A good old-fashioned chuckle releases lots of good neurotransmitters. A study showed that children on average laugh 300 times a day versus adults who laugh 15 times a day.
6. Happy people use the power of music. Researchers found that music can match the anxiety-reducing effects of massage therapy.
7. Happy people exercise and eat a healthful diet. Eating a poor diet can contribute to depression.
8. Happy people take the time to unplug and go outside. Uninterrupted screen time brings on depression and anxiety.
9. Happy people get enough sleep. When people run low on sleep, they are prone to feel a lack of clarity, bad moods, and poor judgment.
10. Happy people are spiritual.
Those of you who have read my book and articles know of the ways that have helped me with exercise, relaxation, spirituality, etc. and all I can say to this list is Amen!
I worked out this morning and my back is a bit sore, so when I saw #6 and massage therapy I got excited for the massage I’m going to get this Saturday!
One thing that is on this list that I haven’t outlined before is spending more on others than on ones’ self. I like that one! I would take it a step further and say spending both money and time with others is important whether that’s with your kids, a friend, spouse, etc.
What are your thoughts about this list and what have you found that helps make you a happier person?