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I read a recent study called “Why Marriage Matters” that listed 30 key findings supporting the institution of marriage. Since my parents were divorced when I was young, I can personally relate to many of the key findings. In fact, I noticed that many of the findings outlined in this study such as mental and psychological distress, delinquent behavior, etc. were ones I experienced personally and wrote about in a recently published book: “Discovering Light: 12 Steps to Overcoming Anxiety and Depression without Medication“.
I’ll outline 10 of the findings that I was either surprised about, or personally experienced.
Ten Findings Supporting the Institution of Marriage
- Parental marriage is associated with a sharply lower risk of infant mortality
- Marriage is associated with reduced rates of alcohol and substance abuse for both adults and teens.
- Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness.
- Cohabitation is associated with higher levels of psychological problems among children
- Family breakdown appears to increase significantly the risk of suicide.
- Boys raised in non-intact families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior
- Marriage is a virtually universal human institution.
- Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mothers, and cohabitation is less likely to alleviate poverty than is marriage.
- Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.
- Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles.
While I’m not saying everyone needs to go running out there and get married to solve the world’s problems, I do believe that if a man and a women have a loving relationship that it is most beneficial for society if they get married rather than live with each other, which we see very often today.
What are your thoughts on these findings?
A few years ago (well….more like 20 years ago!) I was a freshman at what was then called Ricks College in Rexburg, ID. At the time, my passion was ballroom dancing. I had danced through high school and Ricks had the best dance program in the state at the time and was a good preparation for the best dance program (BYU) in the country.
My first year, I was on a team called “Style”, which went around the western united states putting on shows and also teaching kids how to dance appropriately and have clean fun.
Everyone on the team was very down to earth and friendly and full of energy. One young man stood out though. He was always full of optimism and positive energy. Nothing seemed to get him down and we all had great fun as we toured the western U.S.
He went on a mission and I lost track of him…until about 7 years ago when I bumped into him. He was good friends with friends of mine and it was great to see he had a beautiful little family. We’ve kept in touch off and on throughout the years since then.
Some of you may remember, about 4 years ago, I wrote a post on this blog about his new little daughter who had been featured in the local news in Seattle. She was dying at the time from a rare heart condition and at that time they were asking for prayers and donations to pay for a heart transplant.
Imagine their excitement, joy and gratitude they felt when the heart transplant was successful and they had raised money to do the surgery! I along with others received a note of thanks from my friend, who is her father.
Fast forward 4 years from now. The sweet little girl’s body rejected the heart and she is on life support without a chance of survival off life support. Here is a note I received from him today:
Heaven will soon be sweeter. Our precious daughter Mia will be reunited with her donor tomorrow after she is taken off life support. We are devastated and wish this was not happening. It all seems like a terrible nightmare. We will be sad for a very long time, and will miss her everyday. She was the happiest, sweetest little girl, and there will be a hole in all of our hearts. The children are very sad and just want her to wake up. We are in agony and are trying to hold it together for sake of our other children. We are so thankful for all of your love and support and have truly felt it. The pain is too much for my soul, but your prayers are being felt. I am not sure if I will update again until we are back in Utah. I just needed you all to know that we are thankful for your love. so thankful. Tomorrow we will be doing the impossible task of letting our sweet little angel go back to live with her Father in Heaven. We will miss her everyday.
Please join me in praying for the McDonald family to give them comfort and faith in this trying period. I can’t imagine how they feel and I pray God’s love and peace over them.
Recently I attended another Mormon temple wedding. This one was my other brother’s wedding.
I wrote a more detailed account of what happens inside a Mormon temple during the wedding ceremony last month, so I won’t get into specific details in this article.
For now, I will highlight the advice the temple sealer said to the young couple.
Four Cornerstones for a Successful Marriage
1. Family Prayer
2. Scripture Study
3. Having a weekly Family Night
4. Regular Temple Attendance
We’ve all heard the catchy phrase, the “family that prays together stays together“. According to some research, prayer coupled with church attendance helped reduce divorce rates for couples.
The other similar phrase I’ve heard over the years is that the “family that plays together stays together“. There is also research that substantiates this comment. Holding a weekly family night is an excellent way to have an organized and set time to play with the family. I know that it is hard sometimes to find time to play with my kids, but family night is a great time to play with the kids. I’ve had some very memorable moments and am grateful for the family nights we’ve had doing projects, singing songs, playing games, and making treats.
Although this research supports families specifically, I would say that couples who hold regular date nights and take time to pray together experience greater satisfaction as well.
I’d be interested in hearing your experience and ideas to make a successful marriage work. Feel free to leave comments.
This Father’s Day I thought I would share my feelings of being a father with young children. We have a little girl, 3 1/2 years old, who is beautiful, smart, funny, and can have an attitude when she’s tired or hungry (takes after her dad!). We also have a little 9 month old boy. He has such a great personality that lights up the room and is full of energy. He also can get a bit feisty when not well fed (again, like his Dad).
Some highlights this year were obviously my son being born. At first, I wasn’t sure if I could love another child like I loved my daughter. In fact, I felt guilty after he was born because I didn’t cry and wasn’t as emotional as I was when she was born. However, as the year has gone on, I love “Buddy” just as much as I love “Babes”. He is now crawling all over the place and he loves to have me get a little rough with him by wrestling and throwing him around. His eyes light up and he giggles a cute little baby giggle. He also has learned how to wave. It’s cute watching him wave and smile and crawl over to me when I see him.
“Babes” and I did a lot of fun things throughout the year. Being 3 years old, she is full of energy and it is sometimes hard for me to keep up with her.
One of the major highlights for both of us was the Daddy/Daughter date we went on earlier this year. She and I had tons of fun dressing up like it was prom and going to the dance. We were having so much fun, we even got our pictures in the paper!
Needless to say, I am a very blessed person to have two healthy and beautiful children who call me Dad. I hope I live up to that title throughout my life because I personally feel it is one of the most sacred callings a man can have.
That being said, I thought it would be fun to share my top 20 list of things I like to do with my kids….so (drum roll please) here it is:
20 Things I love to do as a Father with my Young Children
- Carry kids on my shoulders
- Wrestle with them
- Put them in a blanket and throw them around onto the bed
- Color pictures and receive pictures from them they’ve drawn or colored
- Tell them stories from the farm when I was growing up
- Watch them play and get along with each other
- See their smiles when I enter the room
- Watch them learn and grow
- Witness their innocence
- Do “tricks” with them by flipping them around
- Read books before bedtime
- Watch them splash and play in the bathtub
- Dance with them
- Brush my daughter’s hair and give her manicures
- Tickle them
- Play my guitar and watch them sing and dance (my 9 month old son has a killer voice!)
- Sing with them
- Cuddle with them until they fall asleep
- Watch them sleep
- Pray for them while they are sleeping
Today in church an older father, who happens to be a grandfather got up and shared a great experience that helped me as a young father. Since this month we celebrate our fathers, I thought it was appropriate to share this.
The grandfather explained that he was working on building a deck out by his shed in his backyard when his 3 young grand daughters came over. They are all grade school age and full of energy. He said he completely enjoyed his experience with them as they wanted to “help” him build. He didn’t get 1/3 of the project done because the kids were playing in the dirt, save the worms from getting chopped by the shovel, nails were scattered on many occasions. In spite of all this, he didn’t get angry or annoyed. Rather, he enjoyed the fact that his grandkids were with him.
I thought of myself as a young father. It is easy for me to get so focused on a project that sometimes when my kids interrupt me, I am easily annoyed. I know I can personally learn from this experienced father to focus on what is important. What is important are the relationships we have with others, not the relationships we have with our things.
Jesus taught that if we are His disciples, we’ll have love for others. Surely this example is one of how we can love others as a father.
In the New Testament, James defines pure religion as visiting people in their afflictions, and also keeping oneself unspotted from the world.
With that thought in mind, I contacted one of my aging grandparents, whose health is steadily declining. I received a phone call from my grandparent a few weeks ago, but the excuses I used for not getting back in touch included work, church service, raising kids, spending time with my wife, not being able to reach out because when I finally do get time it’s about 9:00 p.m. and my grandparent is in bed.
So the days turned into weeks and I would say almost daily to my wife “I should call my Grandpa” and finally she told me to quit saying that and just schedule it on my calendar, which I did.
When I called, there was a different voice on the phone than what I was used to hearing and I was confused. I asked if I had the right number and he told me I did, but my Grandpa was too sick to talk. However, when my Grandpa heard it was me on the phone, he motioned to the caregiver and he passed the phone over, warning me that there were sores all over my grandpa’s mouth and it was hard to understand him.
The voice I heard on the other end was frail and muffled. I was humbled that despite his very poor circumstances, he wanted to make time for a conversation with me. I reflected on all the good things my father taught me, which he had learned from my grandfather. I was lucky enough to also live in the same town as my grandparents, so I got to know them very well as a young kid and teenager. They sacrificed a lot for all of us.
The conversation was pretty short as he needed to get some rest, but I reflected on the call. Why did it take me so long to call? If I were living in the same town as him, would I be too busy to stop by regularly?
I then reflected on the scripture on pure religion.
James does NOT say that pure religion is going to church, holding a high calling or position of authority, paying tithing, and a whole list of other things that one could name in association with being “religious”. Rather, James says a key part of pure religion is visiting those who are afflicted.
It takes extra effort to go above and beyond and schedule time to visit those who are sick and afflicted. It takes another step to go and visit with a heart filled with pure love as Jesus would have us do. Many times the elderly seem helpless and have certain quarks or things that are annoying. It takes the love of Jesus to look past those things and remember that at one point in our lives, whether we were teenagers, young kids, or helpless babies that our parents and/or grandparents took time to selflessly give us love and care.
It’s easy to get caught up in many things in life, but I hope that we all can remember to schedule time to regularly visit, talk with, or serve our aging parents and/or grandparents or other elderly people we may know who are suffering before it’s too late and we have regrets. This time, I was fortunate enough to have reached out in time, but it took me way to long to do so. My plan is to schedule time regularly on my calendar so I make it a regular habit.
What are some suggestions and ways that you go about caring for the elderly?
Recently in Elder’s Quorom (Men’s Group) we had a very good discussion based on the current LDS prophet, Thomas Monson’s, recent talks he had given. The quote that stood out to our instructor today, as well as myself, was
Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.
The discussion then turned to raising our children and focusing more on “problems” rather than loving the child. As the discussion continued, I thought of an incident I had with my young daughter that morning where she wasn’t listening and she was ignoring me. My reaction was definitely not Christ-like and I lost my patience with her, unfortunately. Although I came to her later and apologized, I still felt bad and had been praying about how I can better approach the situation when it arose again.
Another elder in our class talked about a situation where his daughter had totalled his car when she was in high school and lied to him about the circumstances surrounding the accident. He found out at the scene from the police and fire-fighters that what she had told him was not true and he said he completely lost his temper with her and focused on the “problem” more than on loving the person.
It’s a difficult situation, because as a man, my tendancy is to act like a military officer and order the child to behave “because I said so”. However, that approach is pretty ineffective, I’ve learned. Yet, the child still needs to learn respect, etc.
What are some good strategies you as fathers use to discipline your children yet still show them that you love them?
Thank you so much everyone for your prayers for my wife and baby! I received plenty of emails and a few comments on the blog from those of you who were praying over the past few days.
August 18th at 10:10 p.m. baby Barett was born at 8 lbs. 3 oz. 21 inches. The delivery went very well and both baby and mom are very healthy and well.
Here’s a picture of him a few hours after he was born:
Thank you again and God bless all of you for your prayers and support.
P.S. Cal, I’ll have to smoke a virtual cigar with you since I don’t smoke! : )
While I was talking with one of my business contacts the other day at the YMCA, I told her we were due to have a baby this week. She told me she would put my wife on the prayer chain in her local congregation and I was very grateful for the offer.
My wife is scheduled to be induced this Wednesday. For all of you who read this blog, please keep her in your prayers. Pray the delivery will go well, the doctors will be inspired, and that I will be inspired as well to support her. I feel the more “prayer chains” we have out there, the better. Her name is Becca.
Thanks again for all your faith and prayers and also for your thoughts of faith you share regularly on this blog. I’ll let you know how everything goes with the delivery.