Recently, one of my church friends and I had a long discussion. I had noticed tension in his relationship over the past couple years, but he hadn’t openly discussed it with me until the other day. He told me he wasn’t sure if he knew what love for his wife was anymore and went on to discuss how they had entertained the idea of getting a divorce.
Divorce is something I do not take lightly. My parents fought throughout their 10 years of marriage and I constantly worried as a young child if they would get a divorce as I would listen to them fight when they thought we were asleep. My world was crushed when at the age of 9 my parents were divorced. Over the 25 years since their divorce, I have seen personal heartache and struggle, struggle and conflict with my siblings, and my parents have been affected emotionally and physically as a result of it throughout the years as well. I’m positive some within my family are not over it.
In addition to my own experiences with divorce, I have seen grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and cousins go through divorce. The heartache felt during a strained marriage and emptiness from the aftermath of a divorce are real.
With all of this in mind I said a silent prayer to myself as he confided in me. I wanted to make sure I relayed to him what was helpful for him and what God wanted him to hear. As I prayed and thought, I remembered reading a story in Spencer W Kimball’s book “The Miracle of Forgiveness“. It is about a lady who, against her church leader’s advice went ahead and got a divorce simply because she had “fallen out” of love and she thought it would be easier do go it alone. A few years later, she approached her leader and he asked her if life was better now that she was divorced. She said that she regretted getting the divorce and wished she would have worked harder at loving her former husband. I shared this story with my friend and urged him to try everything in his power to make the marriage work and love flicker again. Not only for his sake, but for his wife and daughters’ sakes as well.
Spencer W Kimball gave another address back in 1979 entitled “Oneness in Marriage” that provides guidance on how to have a happy and successful marriage. The following four points are very valuable tools for both my friend and anyone considering marriage or currently in a marriage, which will be discussed. (The direct quote is in bold letters with additional commentary underneath the quote).
1. There must be the proper approach toward marriage, which contemplates the selection of a spouse who reaches as nearly as possible the pinnacle of perfection in all the matters which are of importance to the individuals. And then those two parties must come to the altar in the temple realizing that they must work hard toward this successful joint living.
This is a very serious step that I think many people take too lightly. The possible “pinnacle of perfection” is different from one person to the next. In my opinion, one would be wise to write down the non-negotiables of what one wants in a spouse and then some that would be nice to have but not essential. When dating evaluate this and especially when considering marriage, make sure the potential partner lines up with this. If it is very important to you, and the partner isn’t appearing that they will compromise, it is easier to break off an engagement or someone you’re dating than it is to get into a marriage.
For those who are already married and may have taken the marriage a bit too lightly before entering marriage, it still isn’t too late. Write down what is non-negotiable, etc. and share it with your spouse. Come up with a plan of how you see marriage working out together and work towards it. If you are having a hard time doing this, get some marriage counseling. There is no harm in this and if both parties want to make it work, it can be good to have an outside, unbiased, professional perspective.
2. There must be a great unselfishness, forgetting self and directing all of the family life and all pertaining thereunto to the good of the family, subjugating self.
Selfishness is a marriage killer. I’ve seen friends and family go through divorce because an individual (or both individuals) are not willing to compromise or admit their mistakes. It is very hard to make a marriage work if both parties are not willing to admit their mistakes and then forgive and forget the mistakes of their partner.
3. There must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.
There are many quotes on love, but one of my favorite most-recent quotes comes from Elder Uchtdorf. He states “love is spelled T-I-M-E…time” and I agree completely.
When my father remarried, he set a very good example of regularly dating and spending time with my new mother. Often it was as simple as going to the grocery store together, but they made sure that once a week they had alone time.
I’m not sure that they realized how much my younger brother and I watched them as they spent time with each other and their love grew. It made a very strong impact on me and how I wanted my relationship with my wife to be someday. Kids can tell when love is alive and well between parents and it affects areas of their life such as school performance, relationships with friends, and self-confidence.
4. There must be a complete living of the commandments of the Lord as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
As my friend talked about how discouraged he was and how negative he felt towards God and life in general, I wondered about his relationship with God. I asked him a few questions and he did say he hadn’t been praying, studying God’s Word. I knew he hadn’t been going to church regularly either.
From personal experience, when we shut out God by not allowing him in through prayer or scripture study or other uplifting activities, it gets very hard to remain positive. I highly recommended that he start doing these things again, even if he didn’t feel like it.
My prayer is that some things we talked about help him pick himself up and start trying again with his marriage and relationship with God. I realize that in many circumstances damage is irreparable and divorce is inevitable. However, if both parties are willing to pick up the pieces, forgive and forget, compromise, and begin again by setting goals together, happiness and love can once again return into the marriage.
I realize that many of you have had experiences either personally or second-hand with divorce and would welcome your responses. If this were your friend, what advice would you give?
Grace for Grace 
15 comments
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March 2, 2011 at 3:17 am
Michael
Good post. Divorce is the most destructive force in society today and is, by far, the greatest threat to the family that ever existed. Its impact on spouses and children cannot be overestimated. Except for very few circumstances of physical abuse or unrepentant adultery, it should be avoided at all costs. Perhaps that is why the Saviour commanded so firmly against it.
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March 3, 2011 at 12:17 am
Paul
You’ve written some great thoughts. The very few people I know who have divorced have done so only after remarkable thought. Divorce was not a selfish alternative, as near as I could tell, but would facilitate the emotional survival of the parties involved.
In the end, those decisions (and the responsibility for the consequences) rest only with those who make the decisions. As you point out, however, the consequences may be far reaching (over space and time).
President Kimball’s counsel is wise. I heard one of his “marriage” talks as a freshman at BYU in 1976. My wife was also in the audience, though we did not attend together (we had only met a few days before).
It seems much more difficult to bring a marriage back from the brink than to prevent its getting there in the first place. But I speak from as one who’s been very fortunate in my marriage to have a loving and forgiving spouse (to whom I try to extend the same attitude).
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March 3, 2011 at 4:20 am
ama49
Hi Paul,
Thanks for stopping by and leaving some thoughts.
I’m positive people take divorce seriously as I have seen many people go through it. To be honest, I think people take divorce more serious than they do getting married in the first place. I think if people really took time to think things through before getting married there would not be so many frivolous marriages, which lead to divorce after they come down from the clouds, in many cases.
What are your thoughts on that?
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March 3, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Paul
No argument from me there! I remember when a divorced friend approached us just after we were married. He was beginning to date again (two or three years after his divorce — he had been pretty shell-shocked when his wife left him) and he asked my wife and me what the “secret” of a good marriage was.
I had nothing to say, but my wife, without a moment’s hesitation, said it’s deciding that the marriage will survive no matter what. I realized as she said it that I agreed, and that we both had (consciously or unconsciously) made that decision in the nearly four years we knew one another before we married.
I think since then we’ve spent a great deal of effort to make sure there’s no “no matter what” in our marriage, but we have faced our share of trials (brought on by our own choices, our children’s challenges, and outside circumsatances), but knowing that the marriage woud survive “no matter what” has been a great comfort to both of us.
We could not have that confidence were it not for the groundwork we laid long before getting married.
(Disclaimer: I realize that there are conditions under which “no matter what” is not applicable, such as abuse.)
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March 4, 2011 at 5:21 am
ama49
Hi Paul,
Those are great thoughts and I agree with you. The couple shouldn’t have an exit strategy when getting married and work together towards the common goal…no matter what.
What, in your opinion would warrant bailing on the marriage? You mentioned abuse. Anything else?
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March 3, 2011 at 5:11 pm
LuluBelle
While I agree that divorce is horrible, a really bad marriage is even worse. I, too, was completely against divorce and, as a result, hung on to a HORRIBLE marriage 6 years longer than I should have. Yes, marry the right person (I thought I did– we dated for 3 years, you think I would’ve known). But not all long-term marriages are something to celebrate and their are very ligitimate reasons for ending a marriage. Divorces are terrible on kids, but living in a high conflict marriage is even worse on them. It’s a tough call– working through the bad parts because it might get better -vs- knowing when to get out. I’ve never for a second regretted that divorce and my one daughter who was the product of that marriage is far better off that we did get the divorce.
Some people, I believe, divorce too quickly but the vast majority of those that I know who divorced really tried and stuck out highly toxic marriages far longer than was healthy.
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March 4, 2011 at 5:18 am
ama49
Hi LuluBelle,
I’m glad you stopped by and commented. I agree with you. I don’t think my parents should have been married in the first place. Hindsight is 20/20 though and I’m glad I have some awesome siblings from their marriage…but they didn’t have the right ingredients from the get-go and it was a mess. I’ve seen this with others as well.
I have also seen people who have a good marriage to begin with and then one or the other or both quit. I’ve seen marriages ruined by sin as well.
My feeling is the same as you. If the marriage has become toxic it is better to get out, but it shouldn’t be taken lightly, as you mentioned.
In your marriage, did you start off good and it went bad, or were there issues you saw while you were dating or early on in the marriage?
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March 8, 2011 at 2:30 pm
LuluBelle
Oh, in hindsight, there were plenty of red flags. But at the time, I was so sure that we were meant for each other and when I prayed, I felt such a feeling of peace that I was making the right decision. The first 3 years of marriage were, for the most part, great. I loved being married, we laughed a lot, we had a lot of fun. But then things started getting bad. For 3 years, it was a rollercoaster. Just when I was ready to move out, things would get better for a few months, then bad for a few months, then good. The last 3 years were a Hell I could never imagine. At times, I have to go back and read my journal just to realize that it really was that horrible. Looking back, it was even far worse than I remembered it. It literally knocked my faith of its core: How could I sweet answer to prayer (should I marry him) be so horrible misinterpreted? I’m still trying to make peace with that.
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March 4, 2011 at 5:35 am
Jenny
A great LDS book that addresses this topic is a collection of essays called, “Living a Covenant Marriage” edited by Doug Brinley. The theme of Brinley’s own contribution to the book discusses having a covenant marriage (an eternal approach), rather than a contract marriage (a worldly approach). The difference between the two is what has been referred to here as a marriage that will stay together no matter what, versus a marriage with an exit strategy in place from the get-go. It is worth the read, although it contains enough LDS “lingo” that it might be a little confusing for somone not familiar with the language.
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March 5, 2011 at 11:37 pm
ama49
Hi Jenny,
Thanks for the great suggestion. I went to one of Binley’s seminars once and we invited some non-LDS friends. He has some very good suggestions, but he has tons of LDS lingo so they were very confused about many things…especially when he started talking about spirit babies!!!
This is very good advice though to enter the marriage with no exit strategy in mind. If both parties have this mind-set, it has a much better chance of surviving.
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March 8, 2011 at 2:33 pm
LuluBelle
I’ll go back to a lesson I learned the hard way: Perhaps there should be an exit strategy. Perhaps we should teach our kids that some things should never, ever be tolerated in a marriage and it is RIGHT and GOOD to exit a marriage if those things exist. For me, it was severe (extreme, actually) emotional and psychological abuse. But I was so committed to marriage and not divorcing that I stuck it out way too long. It’s unfortunate, those wasted years. I’m not against divorce anymore. I’m against divorcing for salvageable marriages– and there is a huge difference between the two. Like I said earlier: The fact that some marriages manage to make it for the long haul doesn’t always mean there’s a cause to celebrate it.
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March 9, 2011 at 9:09 pm
ama49
Hi Lulubelle,
I would agree with you on this comment. I think it falls in line with what I wrote about in the original post where you discuss the non-negotiables before getting married. If the spouse breaks those during marriage, then they won’t be shocked when the other person leaves.
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March 4, 2011 at 2:11 pm
Paul
In response to the question of what are acceptable reasons, it’s hard for me to judge. In the end the two parties to the marriage have to choose if it’s fixable or not.
To me it’s all about the marriage covenant. If a person breaks the covenant and is unwilling to repent, it’s hard for the other to stick around.
Breaking the covenant may take the form of adultery or physcial abuse, but it may also take the form of failing to love and support one another. (I can only imagine the pain of a long-term relationship with someone whoe does not participate in the marriage emotionally or physically or spiritually).
But people have different tolerances and different expectations.
When I was a bishop, the counsel I received in training and from the handbooks was that I was not to advise people about whom to marry, whether to marry or whether to divorce; these were personal decisions. What I did was offer my love and support to those who were contemplating those decisions. But I openly told them I could not choose for them or tell them what to choose.
If I were to physically abuse my wife, I would expect her to leave me. Emotional abuse over time can be damaging in many ways, too, but is harder to define. Infidelity may push someone over the line, but another may be willing to forgive. Shifting religious views may be fodder for one and not for another (particually an issue for LDS marriages given the eternal nature of the covenant).
Sorry for the long answer. A complicated subject to be sure.
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March 5, 2011 at 11:35 pm
ama49
Hi Paul,
I appreciate your response and agree with you completely as it falls in line with what President Kimball wrote about. Each person has different non-negotiables and prior to marriage, couples really need to make sure they are being true to themselves and their relationship by going over those with each other, getting to know each other in many circumstances, and most importantly, relying on the Spirit to guide their decision.
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February 2, 2016 at 2:16 pm
sam
@ama49, thanks for the word “relying on the Spirit to guide their decision.” most important for me.
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